Channel Surfing

Somewhere in the transfer of cable services from home A to home B, we ended up with a bunch of cable channels we didn’t have before. Besides the fact that we are cheapasses and refuse to pay for a bunch of channels that we mostly don’t watch, we made the well-thought-out decision to cancel all but basic cable a few years back for one specific reason.

I yell at the Food Network.

Honestly, I am flabberghasted that there are unsuspecting housewives out there, tuning in to the Food Network, thinking that they’re going to get decent advice on anything to do with cooking.

(NOTE – with the possible exception of Alton Brown. He’s an alright guy.)

Of course, the extra channels that we are now burdened with include the Food Network, and I have quickly gotten sucked in again. It’s been a few years, so many of the faces are new (although I see that BAM! guy is still there, mucking things up), but it’s reassuring to see that one can get a job hosting a cooking show without any damn idea of how to cook. Note that many of the people I mention below appear on the Canadian Food Network so you US folks might not recognize everyone. [1]

Rob Feeny – it’s not called “KNOCKY”, you dimwit. You may know how to cook the Italian potato-based pasta, but you sure as hell cannot pronounce it.

Barefoot Countessa lady – put some shoes on honey, because you’ll want something on your feet when they kick you to the curb. I don’t care if it’s the magic of television, a water bath is not put into the oven cold. At least wear some oven mitts and pretend.

Rachel Ray – I can’t be the only person with an uncontrollable urge to kick her in the face, can I?

Christine Cushing – Are you still here? You’re part of the reason I left the last time.

Jamie Oliver – Ironically, I liked Jamie Oliver when he was doing the School Dinners show on the BeeB. I just don’t like to watch him cook. He scrunches up his face and looks like he’s about to have an orgasm or take a crap.

Nigella – Tie your goddamned hair back, you slatternly fishwife. It may look all sexy when you flip it around but it’s so unsanitary it makes me want to puke.

And every single person who holds their knife with their index finger pointed out straight along the top of the blade – just put it down and walk away. How can I possibly respect you as a chef if you can’t even hold your knife in a way that isn’t going to get your hand chopped off???

[1] Does David Rosengarten still have a show on the US Food Network? I used to love me some David Rosengarten, and am still convinced that when Canada got its own version of the channel, with Canadian chefs and hosts, it all went downhill.